Through a Heart, Breaking
by Ciircee
Summary: A brief look into Meiling's head at the end of episode 60 as she gives up Syaoran.


Disclaimer: CLAMP owns Daidouji, Li-kun and Sakura.  I'm not sure, but I think Koudansha and NHK own Meiling and Wei.  In any case, I'm not claiming any ownership here.  All dialogue lifted wholesale from CCS ep. 60.

Author's Note: I own two different translations of the CCS series.  One's a fan-sub and the other is produced by a Chinese company.  They're slightly different so you may not recognize some of the dialogue used, depending on which copy you have.  I happen to love Meiling and episode 60 is such a moving story.  So this is a brief glance into her head during the ending scenes.  Watching the episode before reading this would be a good idea as spoilers abound.  Xiao-Lang, by the by, is the Cantonese pronunciation of Syaoran. 

Dedicated to my tsuin, Chelle-sama, who agrees that this episode really is 'cry your eyes out' good.  She loves my Meiling-chan too.  I swear, Chelle, that I'll finish Kitaku someday.  You're the best.

_Through a Heart, Breaking_

"I'll be fine!"  I'm not, not now, but I will be.  I will be.  I can barely speak but I mange to say the words, for him, for my Xiao-Lang.  He needs me to mean them but I can't right now.  The best I can do is leave and hope that he won't follow me.  Wei will hold him back; he'll make Xiao-Lang let me go.  I'm not taking a cab.  I don't want anybody to see me crying.

He loves me.  He loves me.  He loves me so much that it's hurt him to fall in love with her.  My Xiao-Lang.  He's in love with Kinomoto Sakura; not with me.  But he loves me just the same.  Who else, who other than my Xiao-Lang, would face directly the girl who loves him most and break her heart; just to honor a childhood promise?  I couldn't stand to hurt him by letting him know just how badly he was breaking my heart, and so I ran.  I'm running so that I won't break his heart anymore.

It's a long way to Daidouji's house, but it's not hurting me to run the distance.  My Xiao-Lang taught me how to do it.  He was always teaching me.  At home, in Hong Kong, he would practice for hours so that I could watch and learn from him.  He always made believe that it was because he needed the work, and not me.  But he always stopped drilling whenever I mastered a particular skill.  Once he asked me if I was going to study the sword, too.  I cried when I told him Mama wouldn't let me.  When I came to Japan, he taught me how to make friends with a rival, who was never really a rival at all; Kinomoto was a student of my Xiao-Lang just as surely as I ever was.  But she was also a partner, an equal, and a friend.  And unlike me, my Xiao-Lang has never had many friends.  He was such a lonely boy when we were little.  So much responsibility, so early, and Auntie was never the same after Uncle died, Mama always told me.  Poor Xiao-Lang.  I was his friend, even when he didn't want one.  I was his bride when he didn't really want that either and I was so happy.  I've been so happy to be the only person that Xiao-Lang loved who wasn't Auntie or one of his sisters or Wei.  Now he'll have a new person to love, a person who can be his friend and his equal and his bride, and then he'll be the person who is so happy.

"How could he?  I love him best; I've always loved him best in all the world."  I can't stop crying, can't stop saying it over and over again.  Daidouji opened her front door to me, arms open, and I collapsed into her.  I don't remember even walking to her room.  He called her.  Xiao-Lang called her to tell her that I was coming over.  He wanted her to watch for my cab because it's so late.  He loves me.  "I wouldn't let anybody else have him!"

"I want to cry until I die!"  I do.  I can't stop crying even though I know I should.  "But I can't hate her. She's so nice."  And that makes me cry even harder.  I can't hate her.  Can't, can't, couldn't if I tried.  She was so happy to see me again.  I've never had anybody that happy just to see me for such a short visit; but Kinomoto was beaming for just that reason.  Kinomoto is such a good person, such a sweet person.  She's my friend and I can't hate her.  I can't hate him, either.  I can't hate Xiao-Lang and I can't stop crying.  I love him.  I like her, I really do.  I wouldn't give him up to anybody else.  "If he loves her…then there's nothing that I can do."  But I can't stop crying.   "I can't hate him, no matter what happens.  Or her…"

Daidouji is patting my back, letting me cry on her and she understands me.  She keeps stroking my hair and telling me how she knows; because my Xiao-Lang is sweet, and kind and wonderful and she wouldn't give Kinomoto up to anybody else.  It's so late and I'm so tired and the world is getting fuzzy.  I should make sure, in the morning, that my Xiao-Lang knows I'm happy for him; I should make sure he tells Kinomoto how he feels because she's so oyayaan that she probably doesn't know, even if Daidouji and I both guessed already.  Daidouji; I should thank her for all that's she's done for me and tell her that I consider her one of my best friends, too.  In the morning, I'll smile for everybody and I'll be okay.  I'll be fine someday because, even if things aren't the way I want them, Xiao-Lang loves me in his own way; and everything will be okay.  For sure.


End file.
